This is (almost) 31.

Learning to give myself grace when needed is one of the hardest things I have had to do.

And to be fair, I've done my fair share of hard things.

We're just about three years to the day that I finally had half of my lung removed and then my esophagus.

It's not really something that I like to think about but unfortunately it's and everyday occurrence.

Three years since the "end" of it.

And here I am, coughing up blood again.

WHY?!

Haven't I dealt with enough shit?

HOW am I back here?

I eat good, I go to spin, I take care of myself for the most part.

I have a son to think about now.

It's not just about me and my health anymore.

I have to keep myself healthy so I can watch my son grow up.

So he doesn't have to know what it's like to grow up without his mom.

I'm scared. This is like shell shock.

I can't be doing this again.

But I am.

I have to live with this every damn day.

On the good days and bad days I have to think about my health.

Put myself first. But I don't.

Why would I? I'm a mom. His needs are more important than mine...

But they're not.

If I'm not healthy, I won't be here to take care of my son.

I reached out to Brink this week. Because obviously when I'm scared my surgeon is the first person I call.

I can't help it. He literally put me back together.

I went to see him and he puts me at ease almost instantly. With the quick little banter we do back and forth while also knowing he's taking every single second serious.

He told me he was also scared when I reached out. The last thing he wants is for me or my family to suffer anymore.

But he made it very clear, he did the cutting, I did the work.

And that's what I have to do again. I have to put in the work. I have to help heal myself.

Or I won't be able to help anyone else.

So here I am, blogging at my counter, while my one year old destroys the house.

But you know what, I'm not perfect and this house doesn't need to be either.

So, this is the start of 31.

It's not rainbows, it's not butterflies, and it's definitely not pretty.

But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Xo. ✨