Can you imagine?

Going into the hospital, yet again, after already being stuck in there for months on end...

Being told you needed to go in for a small procedure the next morning to stop the bleeding in your lungs.

Having your fiancé have to leave when visiting hours are over because you have to stay in the CTU overnight and its still covid protocol.

Waking up in the morning to the nurse of your nightmares (like literal nightmares while intubated and sedated and no clue what was real or not, which we will save for another day).

Calling your mom on FaceTime and making sure she doesn't leave you alone because you are THAT scared.

Waiting for your dad and fiancé to come as quickly as possible to the unit your on.

Crying. Shaking. Can't breathe. Literally thinking there can't be anything worse.

Being wheeled down for that "small" procedure.

Kissing your dad and fiancé and telling them you'll see them in recovery.

Not knowing what happens between the time they made me count backwards and the time that I woke up later in a different room.

And never knowing that a significant amount of time had passed, AGAIN.

Feeling like I was kicked by a horse.

Finding out that something went drastically wrong.

Chest compressions for 11 minutes.

ELEVEN.

Never coming off that table as the same person that you were when you went in...

That's my life. This is what happened. This is what plays over and over again in my head on my darkest days.

3 years ago, I coded for 11 minutes.

I went into the hospital at the end of August and didn't get to leave again until the middle of September.

I had to wake up with a tube in my throat AGAIN.

I had to relearn how to walk AGAIN.

I had to deal with more trauma and knowing that this didn't even fix me fully. This just stopped what the problem was "for now."

Thank god for the team of doctors and nurses who didn’t give up on me. Ever.

Thank god for my family and for my resilience.

Actually, screw god, thank ME, for fighting for myself and for always pushing forward.

Thank ME, for never giving up on myself even when I wanted to. Even when the days felt like they would never end. Even when the pain was too much to bare. Even when all the odds were stacked against me.

As for today, I'll fight every bad memory and bad thing that my brain is telling me may or may not happen and try to enjoy this day. Because I fought to LIVE so I damn well going to do it.

Xo. ✨

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/5709b5_815279eccb5b451593ff9855cd1de606/360p/mp4/file.mp4

*funny video from the day before everything went south*