Panic attacks

PTSD can hit you from out of nowhere. You can literally be going about your day and then BAM it hits you like a ton of bricks all at once.

I was in the middle of spin today and I picked up the towel they give you to wipe the sweat off your face and that’s when it hit me.

It smelled exactly the same as hospital blankets. I could feel a slow cry creeping up in my chest. It felt as if there was a tube down my throat and I couldn’t get anything out. I started crying, in the middle of class, in the middle of a song, while still spinning. I composed myself enough to keep going. Then I got the feeling as though I was being extubated. Scratchy, dry throat, chapped lips, your teeth not sitting quite right. Just gasping for air.

I don’t know how I did it but I finished the class and by the time I made it to my car I was bawling.

I haven’t had a panic attack like that in what feels like forever. But just when you think you’re doing amazing, something like this comes along and humbles you.

So, here’s me. Drinking my coffee. Post cry. Post sweaty spin. Just trying to remember that my feet are on the ground and I’m going to be ok.

Healing isn’t always beautiful but you do what you need to do to get by.

xo